First Test

The first test of my new resolve has come in the form of conquering a possible job loss. What's new in the world, right? Well, how does one practice stilling the soul upon return to such turmoil? I'm not sure but here's my plan:

My pattern over the past three years would have been to shake my fist to the heavens and blame Mike. But now that my new way is all about action, I am taking the Bull by the Horns.

1. Renegotiate school loans --payments start the end of December!
2. Update online job applications with various search engines
3. Breath
4. Count blessings: health, wisdom, family, friends, sunshine, future, everything changes
5. Ask for help: part-time, full-time, whatever will work

So at present I could work for room and board in Italy by picking olives, till about the middle of February. The only trouble is I don't think my loan companies will accept olive oil as payment.

Do I have any higher bidders? All offers are being considered.

This is who I was.....This is who I will be.....

Billy Holiday's "Stormy Weather" is playing as I write this, which is perfectly appropriate for the weather we've been having.



This is who I was....

Phrases you will not hear from me any time soon (if ever again):
1. I’m exhausted.
2. I’m 33 going on 83.
3. I need a vacation.
4. My body aches.
5. I’d like to but I can’t; I’m in law school.

Coming home with a very clean slate, an uncluttered mind and soul, the new trick will be how to maintain this new body and mind while not in vacation mode. For example, part of my new routine this past week has become reading the NYTimes for 2 hours in bed with coffee. Probably not one of the new routines I can keep and get away with, unless I can convince my boss to make it a job requirement to read the daily news (that would be a test of my negotiation skills!) But maybe I treat myself to just 3 articles over coffee everyday and give myself the two hour treat on Sunday.

I think the more difficult part will be creating a routine that involves others. I have just had a wonderful taste of what it feels like to do what ever I want, whenever I want. This is a slight exaggeration because you definitely have to plan your trips to the market around here, because when you run out of cream for your coffee, your trip revolves around their hours. The closest market, about 3 Km, is open in the morning on Mondays and Tuesdays, but not Wednesdays (found that out the hard way), and then evenings on Thursdays and Fridays, but usually by then it is too dark to ride the bike and still be seen by the Mario Andrettis of this neighborhood.

I’ve grown accustomed to this great freedom of availability that I think is almost impossible to maintain in our overly scheduled world. But I have new energy for the challenge. I used to love the spontaneity that Mike and I had in our life together and I realize now that a lot of that came from his being unattached to anything – job, material goods, home, etc. I know that he enjoyed this freedom as a coping mechanism to balance his fear of life ending too soon, and that aspect of the spontaneity was not fun, for either of us. I think I can have this sense of freedom without the fear, and that is what I will strive for on my return.

I know some of you are thinking, “Good goal Becca; good luck with that.” Don’t worry, a side of me is saying the same thing, which is why I am going to ask for your help! Yup, I know, nervy huh? (“For Christ’s sake, you come back from a 3 month Sabbatical and ask ME for help?! That’s rich.”)

Here’s my request for assistance:
1. test my ability to be spontaneous, last minute invitations (to work or play) will be greatly appreciated
2. test my ability to say, “no thank you;” and don’t take offense when I practice on you. I have discovered the more I say, “no, thank you,” the more available I am to say, “yes.”
3. test my ability to not acquire STUFF. I have gotten by with very little in Italy; I would like to keep my life this way. There’s a lot of uncluttering I need to do with my home so that it matches my uncluttered self; please help remind me of this when I contemplate purchasing or acquiring something. Whatever you do, please do not purchase for me! (I do need to get a new cellphone service when I return but this is the only exception –and honestly I could do without it if my boss didn’t need to reach me.)

Thank you.

This is who I will be.....with your help.

Stilling the Typing

It’s not always comical when the universe forces a stilling on your soul, but when you have the leisure time to accept the carpel tunnel that creeps up on you when you’re trying to write, you can laugh about it and take a week off to recover.

This would never be allowed if I had someone depending on my project. This was the mindset I had when the shooting pains in my wrists started to creep up on me (a bi-product of taking the Bar Exam this summer –I am positive.) In my old life I would have bitched and bemoaned my body for giving up on me, and I would have worked through the pain, determined to have my way. I have developed a completely different mind while in Tuscany.

After half a day of fighting my old mindset, I up and left for a long bike ride through the changing vineyards. Renewed and refreshed, with a new sense of awe, I turned my attention to reading and biking and cooking, till my eyes and leg muscles burned like my wrists. Here are the photos I took along the way.

Action-Adventures in Living

The significance of this "trip": vacation, sabbatical, working holiday, etc. But the most important reason has become: not just reminding myself of my capabilities to adventure, but to actually show myself I still can. Action. A critical element to a widow’s recovery. Here is one giant I have undertaken recently.

I am typing my 2005-2008 journals into my computer and then I am going to ceremoniously burn the hard copies in an attempt to unclutter my life, both figuratively and physically. Why don’t I just skip the preserving into the computer and go straight to the burning? Yes, that would definitely be the more Buddhist way of unattaching, but I am a practicing Buddhist; I haven’t got it right yet. It has been an unbelievably transformative experience looking back at the past three years, on a day to day basis.

Here’s what I've learned:

In the early throws of loss-any loss- partner, job, identity, expectations, taking action is almost impossible. Actions are happening all around you, and the best you can do is go with the flow, be flexible, try to be present.

The next step is to take some small actions, nothing big, nothing too important that you might regret it later, but some actions none the less. Progressively these actions take on a little more risk, leaving you a little more vulnerable every time, but, presumably, you are a little stronger at this point, and falling down will not hurt quite so much.

To fully make your way back into the world, you must then take some leaps of faith! Such as a 3 month sabbatical, with your tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt, as the US economy crashes.

As my Buddhist Offering book says on my birthday: “Have the courage to throw yourself into life, take risks, weather blows. Knowing before you begin that you will be exposed to a series of opposites; success and failure, happiness and unhappiness, praise and blame.”